In the Ballpark for (KW)

Okay...the third time's the charm, right?

I have a lot of things I want to say to you, but I'm not sure, exactly, what they are.  Oh, I'm in the right ballpark, but there's no stadium lights, it's a new moon at midnight with no stars.  Not even a Zippo...  I'm not lost, mind you, I just can't quite see where I'm going here with you.  Gotta watch my step here...it's a minefield...

 

I don't know what I know anymore.  I've never had more than a nodding acquaintance with reality to begin with, and it seems my cognitive abilities have packed up, moved out and gone to the Bahamas until I can string more than one coherent thought in a row for you.  I know you'll find this one day because you are part badger.  I'll probably never know if you read it, though, and that's all right.  This is more for me than it is for you anyway.

 

I mean, you know what I've been through.  That was/is all true, unfortunately.  I suppose at some point I should thank God for this School of Hard Knocks for it's leading me to a certain, if small, portion of  personal and spiritual illumination, but - He didn't have to be so rough, did He?  He didn't have to throw you in my path, either, but I guess both of us regret that.

 

By the way, you knew.  You've always known, and just didn't want to.  Let's get that straight right away.  Also, I meant no harm.  At first, I just wanted to break you out of that hell you'd built for yourself, lift your self-esteem, get you out and about, and, hopefully, joining the human race again.  After that, well - I just don't know what the hell happened.  Love is such a strange animal, after all, and none of us are immune even when we fight to be.  I was 'Stonewoman' for a reason - I had no desire to ever become involved with anyone ever again, and, actually, I haven't.  I have always known that I need to be alone.  It's part of my destiny, and I've become ever more adverse to people in general.  Not because I'm unable to love them.  I simply never understood them.  Not anyone.  Ever.  Not even you.

 

I'm sorry.  That isn't near enough, but I am.  I, still, think I was good for you, though.  You are so much stronger than you were years ago, and I no longer worry about you dying alone with your life unlived.

 

Well, that's about all for today.  It wasn't much, but...it's all I have right now.

 

And I am sorry.  Sorry, and sad. 

 

Davida